Why do I do this to myself?

   

Recently after eating like I was going to the chair I came to the conclusion that I suffer from binge eating.  I spent some time on the web and realized that I had a legitimate problem.  This is what has been standing in my way over this last year of constantly trying to lose weight.  I've always been guilty of doing this.  It used to be on weigh in day for Weight Watchers.  I would starve myself the morning of the meeting until I would weigh in, then I would binge eat for the rest of the day, not counting points and just hanging my hat on the fact that I had a whole week to "work it off".  I somehow ended up being successful with my weight loss pulling this crap the last time.  This time the reality of life and not concentrating that "Free Food" day to one day has kept me at a stagnant weight.  I am close to the heavest I have ever been and from what I've been reading, that is not helping my disorder.  

Now please don't mistake me opening up about this as an excuse for why I can't lose weight.  Because I want to lose weight and be successful in the worst way.  I want to feel my best and right now I don't  Every time I look into the mirror I am disgusted at how I let this happen.  Saddened that I keep "closet" eating.  I used to think I could handle anything that came my way, that my shoulders were broad and held the mentality of "it is what it is".  Truth is I bottle my feelings and it comes out in one of two ways - sheer anger or shoving my face with every yummy treat you could think of.  Funny how we don't binge eat on stuff like veggies.  I also know that the cards life has delt me over the last six months would have never been the ones I chose.  However I know that everyone has challenges in their life, it's how they chose to hanldle them, that essentially make you sink or swim.  Honestly until this last week, I thought I was swimming, come to find out I was sinking.

I put this out there to not only "make my secret known", but I want to share my road to recovery.  I have researched Overeaters Anonymous, there are meetings in my area that I hope to get to.  My home schedule is unforgiving when it comes to me getting out of the house without one or both of my children.  I think I would benefit greatly from going to a face to face meeting, but they do offer web and phone meetings-which is great.

This was hard to put into print and to have my friends know.  But I cannot do this alone.  I've tried and been unsuccessful.  Al, my husband, doesn't understand, but when it comes to anything with mental health he's at a zero with "getting it".  I knew I had a problem when I would go out and buy a bunch of crap food, eat it until I felt gross, then throw the rest in the trash to stop myself from continuing the cycle.  It's embarassing for sure.

So...Here's to my personal road to success in recovering from this.

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Below is some information on Binge Eating Disorder:

What Is Binge Eating Disorder (B.E.D.)?

A Real Medical Condition

Binge Eating Disorder (B.E.D.) is not just overeating. It is a real medical condition that was formally recognized in 2013. B.E.D. is the most common eating disorder among US adults. So, if you think you might be struggling with the symptoms of B.E.D., know that you are not alone.

B.E.D. can be diagnosed only by a health care provider, and only when specific criteria are met. So be sure to talk with your health care provider about any concerns you may have about your eating.

Binge Eating Disorder Statistics: 
The Most Common Eating Disorder in US Adults

• B.E.D. affects an estimated 2.8 million adults, according to a national survey.*
• B.E.D. is more common among adults in the US than anorexia and bulimia combined.
• B.E.D. affects both women and men. Based on percentage, two times as many women are affected as men in the US.^†
• B.E.D. can occur in normal-weight, overweight, or obese adults.
• B.E.D. occurs at a similar rate across non-Latino white (1.4%), Latino (2.1%), Asian (1.2%), and African American (1.5%) adults in the US.

^*Based on 12-month prevalence estimates applied to the full US population ≥ 18 years. 
^†Based on estimated 12-month prevalence data in the US.

Signs and symptoms of binge eating disorder

People with binge eating disorder are embarrassed and ashamed of their eating habits, so they often try to hide their symptoms and eat in secret. Many binge eaters are overweight or obese, but some are of normal weight.

Behavioral symptoms of binge eating and compulsive overeating

• Inability to stop eating or control what you’re eating
• Rapidly eating large amounts of food
• Eating even when you're full
• Hiding or stockpiling food to eat later in secret
• Eating normally around others, but gorging when you’re alone
• Eating continuously throughout the day, with no planned mealtimes

Emotional symptoms of binge eating and compulsive overeating

• Feeling stress or tension that is only relieved by eating
• Embarrassment over how much you’re eating
• Feeling numb while bingeing—like you’re not really there or you’re on auto-pilot.
• Never feeling satisfied, no matter how much you eat
• Feeling guilty, disgusted, or depressed after overeating
• Desperation to control weight and eating habits

Ask yourself the following questions. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you have binge eating disorder.

• Do you feel out of control when you’re eating?
• Do you think about food all the time?
• Do you eat in secret?
• Do you eat until you feel sick?
• Do you eat to escape from worries, relieve stress, or to comfort yourself?
• Do you feel disgusted or ashamed after eating?
• Do you feel powerless to stop eating, even though you want to?

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/eating-disorders/binge-eating-disorder.htm